Lang Downs Read online

  They crossed the distance between the canteen and Macklin’s house in silence, walking close but not touching. More than once, Caine had been tempted to reach for Macklin’s hand, but he wasn’t sure of his welcome, and the last thing he wanted was for Macklin to send him away in a fit of pique again. Despite the absence of a repeat of their night in the hut, he and Macklin seemed to have reached a balance, not snapping at each other or putting each other on edge. The evenings they’d spent on Macklin’s couch, drinking beer, kissing, and discussing the requirements for applying for organic certification had been remarkably stress free as long as Caine didn’t bring up adding any new intimacy to their relationship. Given that he was about to add enough stress by asking why Macklin hadn’t done more than kiss him since they got back to the station, Caine didn’t want to make matters worse by putting Macklin on edge before they even started their conversation.

  They walked inside, and Caine followed Macklin into the kitchen, catching his hand as he reached for the refrigerator door. “I don’t need another beer. I need you to come kiss me.”

  Macklin pulled Caine against him, kissing him hard and fast, quite the contrast to the majority of their kisses over the past week. “I’ve been waiting to do that since you walked into the canteen tonight.”

  Caine’s eyebrows rose in surprise. Macklin hadn’t refused to kiss him since the morning in the hut, but this was the first time since then he’d admitted to wanting it. “I wouldn’t have minded if you did it then.”

  It was the wrong thing to say.

  “You know we can’t do that.”

  “No, I don’t. I know you say we can’t do that, but I really think you’re overreacting. Okay, the men don’t know me as well as they know you, but they all worship the ground you walk on. They’d be surprised, but they wouldn’t say anything. Not to you.”

  “You’d be surprised how deeply their prejudices run.”

  Caine pursed his lips. “Fine. I won’t argue, but I still think you’re wrong. Let’s talk about something else.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like what’s been running through your head all week,” Caine suggested. “Like why you haven’t taken me back to bed.”

  “I’ve had a lot on my mind,” Macklin replied defensively.

  “Like what?” Caine asked. “What’s bothering you?”

  “I usually go to Sydney after I take the summer staff down to Boorowa,” Macklin said. “I stay for a week and… relax for a few days before picking up winter supplies on the way back in.”

  “You mean you go to bars and pick up twinks who will let you fuck them and leave them,” Caine surmised.

  “I don’t make them any promises,” Macklin said.

  “I never said you did,” Caine replied, “but it’s still what you do. Are you going this year?”

  “I thought maybe you’d go with me,” Macklin said.

  “What? Why?” Macklin had mentioned Caine possibly going with him when Taylor was there, but he hadn’t said anything since then, and with all the tension between them, Caine hadn’t expected anything else to come of it.

  “So we could have some time alone somewhere safe,” Macklin replied. “Somewhere where people don’t know us and won’t care.”

  Caine considered the invitation for a moment. It had obviously cost Macklin to make it, to ask Caine to go with him, not as a partner in the hunt but as his eventual lover. In some ways it might be easier to start their relationship away from the station and the prying eyes of the people who worked for them, but if they did that, if they started a life together shrouded in secrecy, breaking that later would be even harder. Caine was willing to do many things to have a life with Macklin, but hiding wasn’t one of them. “What if I d-don’t want s-safe? I want a life with you, or if I c-c-can’t have that, I want a life with someone, a p-partner who will stand at my side and support me the same way I support him. Sneaking off to Sydney once a year isn’t the life I want.”

  Macklin ran his hand through his hair. “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”

  “Was I unclear?”

  “Bloody hell, you’re determined to misunderstand me.”

  “Then make me understand what you’re saying,” Caine said. “I’m not trying to be difficult, but I’m obviously missing something that’s clear to you. Help me out here.”

  “You aren’t in Philadelphia anymore. Being gay out here in the outback isn’t something anyone admits to,” Macklin said, struggling to explain. “I’m not saying people aren’t gay, but they don’t talk about it because if they do, they’ll spend the rest of their lives fending off jokes and comments if they aren’t fending off fists.”

  “So therefore we should hide,” Caine concluded. “From what you told me, Uncle Michael didn’t hide. Maybe he didn’t talk about it, but he didn’t hide it either.”

  “And no one here but me and Kami remembers Donald,” Macklin said. “He died over twenty years ago. Besides, things were different then. The station was smaller and they excused their living situation through necessity.”

  “So how do you picture things working between us if we can’t be open about being together?” Caine asked seriously. “I want to sleep like we did in the hut with your arms around me and your body keeping me warm. I want a life together, not just the occasional furtive fuck.”

  Macklin sighed. “I don’t have the answers, Caine. I don’t know how to give you what you want and still have anything left of the rest of our lives. If word gets out, the jackaroos may not come back next summer. Where would we be then?”

  “If those jackaroos don’t come back, can we hire others?” Caine asked. “Can we find people who will accept us as a couple?”

  “Maybe,” Macklin said, “but who knows whether they’d know anything about sheep. We could end up with a totally green crew and have to teach them everything. We could end up with no winter crew because the year-round people decide to leave too. We could end up with nothing.”

  “The economy isn’t exactly great at the moment,” Caine reminded him. “Do you really think people would leave without some assurance they could find another job? And even if they do, you don’t think we’d find people who will take a job despite our orientation because it’s better than no job at all?”

  “I don’t know,” Macklin replied. “I just know it’s a huge risk to take.”

  “Taylor already knows about me, which means it’s probably only a matter of time before word gets around anyway,” Caine pointed out. “We could be facing all of that anyway without the benefits of being together. If we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t, I’d rather be damned for being with you than simply be damned for being me. Don’t go to Sydney next week. Stay here and be with me instead.”

  “I don’t know if I can,” Macklin replied honestly. “The only person besides you I’ve ever actually told was Michael.”

  “You didn’t exactly tell me either,” Caine said, smiling at the memory of their first kiss. “You just kissed me and then ran from me.” He took Macklin’s hand. “Maybe it’s time to stop running.”

  “Bloody hell, pup, ask for something difficult, why don’t you?”

  “Being out is a leap of faith,” Caine said. “Faith that the world around you will find it in them to accept you, that the people around you will support your choices, that you can lead your life honestly instead of hiding in the shadows the whole time. You have a station full of men and women who believe in you. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to believe in them too.”

  “Okay, pup,” Macklin said, raising his hands in conciliation. “You’ve made your point. One way or another, I have to go as far as Boorowa tomorrow for supplies, and I can’t make it there and back in one day. Will you come to town with me, not because we’re hiding but because you want to be with me instead of being here alone?”

  Caine nodded. “And when we get back, you’ll stop keeping me at arm’s length so much.” A pained look crossed Macklin’s face. “I’m not going to walk up a
nd kiss you in the barn or in the middle of a mob. The men don’t need to see what we do when we’re alone together. I just don’t want to hide the fact that we are alone together.”

  “We’re not exactly hiding that now,” Macklin pointed out.

  “No, but if any of them cared to look, right now they’d see me go home every night. Maybe after we get back, I won’t always. Or maybe you’ll come to the main house some evenings instead. Maybe you’ll even stay,” Caine replied.

  “Maybe I will,” Macklin said slowly. “I told you before, I have no bloody idea what I’m doing when it comes to relationships. Be patient with me. I’m trying to make it worth your time.”

  That flash of vulnerability, a side of Macklin Caine suspected no one else ever saw given how rarely he saw it, erased all the frustrations of the week. Macklin might be a good ten years older than Caine, but when it came to navigating the rocky shoals of a relationship, Caine was the more experienced. He rather liked that idea. “Stick with me, old man. I’ll t-teach you what you need to know.”

  “You think you can teach an old dog new tricks?” Macklin teased.

  “I already have,” Caine replied smugly. “You only knew one way to kiss when we started.”

  Macklin chuckled and kissed the smirk off Caine’s face. “So now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way, do you want a beer?” he asked when he lifted his head again.

  “No,” Caine said. “It’s late, and we have an early morning if we’re going to get the breeding done and then drive to Boorowa. And since I wasn’t planning a trip, even an overnight one, I have to pack still. I should probably go so we can both get some sleep.”

  “You could sleep here.”

  “Are you sure?” Caine couldn’t keep his surprise out of his voice. After everything Macklin had said, he’d been sure Macklin would accept his departure as he had every other night this week.

  “To sleep, pup, not to go at it all night,” Macklin clarified. “It will be an early morning, and even earlier for you since you’ll have to pack before breakfast. If you’d rather not stay, I understand.”

  “No!” Caine said quickly. “I want to stay. I just want you to be sure.”

  “Stay,” Macklin repeated. A slight tremor in his voice betrayed his uncertainty, but Caine chose not to mention it. Macklin had invited him to stay. Nothing else mattered now.

  Caine answered the request with another kiss, keeping it soft and loving since the offer was only to sleep. Tomorrow night, when they had time and didn’t have to get up early, he would see if he could talk Macklin into having sex. Tonight, it would be more than enough to sleep in the other man’s arms again.

  Macklin returned the kiss, tucking Caine beneath his arm and holding him close but making no move toward the bedroom. “I thought we were going to sleep,” Caine prodded gently.

  “Be patient with me, remember?” Macklin said. “I haven’t ever done this before.”

  “It’s not hard,” Caine said with a soft smile. “We walk into your bedroom, we get undressed, and we climb under the covers and go to sleep. Just like if you were by yourself.”

  “Easy for you to say,” Macklin muttered.

  “Come on,” Caine urged, tugging on Macklin’s hand. “Unless you’ve changed your mind?”

  “I’m not changing my mind.” Macklin took a deep breath. “Okay, time for bed.”

  Macklin’s room was similar in size and design to Caine’s, but without the portable heater Caine used to keep his room at a temperature he was used to. He shivered a little, glad he would have Macklin in bed with him to keep him warm.

  “I’ll, um, I’ll just go get ready,” Macklin said, gesturing toward a door Caine assumed led to the bathroom.

  Caine stopped him for a quick kiss. “I’ll be waiting.”

  When the door closed behind Macklin, Caine stripped off his shirt, shivering in the thin T-shirt he wore beneath. He wanted to take that off, too, but he didn’t want to make Macklin uncomfortable, and he had no idea what the other man slept in. Given the temperature of the room, Caine doubted Macklin slept in the nude, at least not in the winter, although it was an enticing enough image to make Caine want to suggest a heater. He’d simply have to convince Macklin to sleep in the main house with him next time.

  Caine folded his shirt and jeans, setting them neatly on the dresser since Macklin’s room was spotlessly clean. If they had been franticly making love, clothing scattered everywhere might not have mattered, but as it was, folding his clothes gave Caine something to occupy his time while he waited for Macklin to emerge from the bathroom.

  The door opened just as Caine started to wonder if Macklin had changed his mind and was going to sleep in the bathtub. He wore red-and-blue plaid flannel pajamas, the kind Caine had always associated with his grandfather. He had to smother a smile, not wanting to offend Macklin, but he was not as successful as he’d hoped, judging by the scowl on Macklin’s face.

  “What? They’re practical on cold nights. It’s not like there’s ever been anyone here to see them.”

  “They look very warm,” Caine said soothingly. “It is cool in here.”

  “You have to be freezing,” Macklin said, looking at Caine in his T-shirt and boxer briefs. “Get in bed.”

  “I was waiting for you,” Caine replied.

  “Well, I’m here now.” Macklin turned down the heavy down duvet on the bed. “Get in.”

  “Which side is yours?”

  “Just get in,” Macklin said, his voice a low growl. Caine crawled beneath the covers and scooted to the other side of the bed so Macklin could get in next to him. When Macklin had pulled the duvet over both of them, Caine fingered the buttons on the pajama top.

  “I don’t suppose you could get rid of this since we’ll have a little extra body heat tonight?”

  “I thought we were going to sleep.”

  “We are,” Caine promised, “but skin to skin is so much nicer. Give it a try. If you get cold, you can put it back on.”

  “Only if you take yours off too.”

  Caine sat up, swiftly pulling his T-shirt over his head. His nipples pebbled in the cold air as he lay back down and looked at Macklin expectantly.

  Macklin’s eyes fixated on the tight nubs, making them tingle even more. “P-please,” Caine whispered, arousal surging through him.

  Macklin lowered his head, flicking his tongue across one nipple, then the other. Caine gasped and leaned into the caress for a moment before tugging on Macklin’s hair. “If we’re g-going to sleep, you n-need to s-stop now.”

  To Caine’s surprise, Macklin nodded and sat up, unbuttoning his pajama shirt and lying back down. He pulled Caine into his arms and kissed him gently. “How do you sleep best?”

  Caine didn’t answer aloud, turning in Macklin’s arms so the other man lay spooned behind him. He pulled one arm around his waist and sighed in contentment. The slight hum of arousal from Macklin’s mouth on his chest lingered, but it added to the sense of rightness rather than detracted from it. They didn’t have to rush. This was a big enough step as it was. Maybe tomorrow night, they’d take another one, and maybe they wouldn’t. Caine found he didn’t mind waiting to have sex as long as Macklin kept holding him like he never intended to let him go.

  He fell asleep with a smile on his face.

  Fourteen

  MACKLIN’S ALARM went off early the next morning, startling Caine out of a deep sleep. The foreman rolled over and turned it off, then rolled right back against Caine, nuzzling his neck. Caine smiled and pressed back into the kiss and into the erection he could feel nudging his backside. He turned in Macklin’s arms, sliding a hand between them to caress the other man through his pajamas.

  “Don’t start something we don’t have time to finish,” Macklin groaned.

  Caine gave the hard cock a last, lingering stroke before leaning up to kiss Macklin. “Tomorrow morning, when no one is expecting us at breakfast, I’m going to give you a proper wake-up call.”

  “And what
would that be?” Macklin asked, his voice husky.

  Caine licked his lips, easily imagining running his lips over Macklin’s chest and down to the waistband of his pajamas and beyond. “What do you think?”

  “Bloody hell,” Macklin groaned. “I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about what you’d look like with your mouth on me.”

  “Good,” Caine said with a triumphant smile. “It’ll keep you warm when we’re outside today.”

  “And what will keep you warm?” Macklin replied.

  Caine’s grin widened. “The thought that I’m wearing a pair of your long underwear beneath my clothes. Oh, and the knowledge that tonight I’ll have you all to myself.” He ran his hand down Macklin’s side. “I plan to take terrible advantage of you.”

  Macklin groaned again and rolled away from Caine. “If you keep that up, I’m going to walk funny all day and someone’s going to notice.”

  Caine relented, not wanting to push Macklin too far. “We can’t have that, can we? I could always leave the long underwear here. I’m not going to stop imagining tonight.”

  “Don’t be a Galah,” Macklin said. “There’s no reason for you to be cold. I’ll just think of other things.”

  “A Galah?” Caine asked, not familiar with the term.

  “It’s a kind of bird,” Macklin replied. “The expression means don’t be silly or stupid. You shouldn’t be cold just because the thought of you wearing my clothes makes me hard.”

  “I guess we should get up, shouldn’t we?” Caine said with a sigh.

  “If you’re going back to your house to change and pack, yes,” Macklin agreed. “You don’t want to miss breakfast.”

  “And I don’t want to be walking out of your cabin as everyone else is going to breakfast,” Caine said. “No need to provoke a crisis just yet.”

  “Thank you,” Macklin said, kissing Caine quickly. “I’ll get you that long underwear.”

  He pulled on his pajama shirt and padded barefoot across the floor. Caine shivered just looking at him as he put back on his T-shirt and waited for the long underwear. The floor was icy when he stood up to put them and his own clothes back on. He gave Macklin one more kiss. “I’ll see you at breakfast.”